Rodney Dangerfield’s Best One Liners

* It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

* I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

* I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

* I’m so ugly… My father carried around a picture of a kid that came with his wallet.

* When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”

* I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.

* I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

* Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide”

* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

* I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I ‘d get.

* I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

* I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

* With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

* Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.

* My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

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