* A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
* It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
* I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* I’m so ugly… My father carried around a picture of a kid that came with his wallet.
* When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”
* I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.
* I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
* Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide”
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I ‘d get.
* I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
* I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
* Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
* My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.